Curtis' Bachelorette Recap: Week 7

posted by Curtis -

Alright, let's start this mess. Full disclosure, I'm totally watching this at 1 in the morning because I messed around and fell asleep and so now I find myself in an unexpected state of soberness having to watch a whole episode of The Bachelorette. Pray for my sanity please and thank you. 

In tonight's edition of The Bachelorette travel show, Becca brings the six remaining hoes to The Bahamas! 

Becca says she hopes for no drama. Psssh! Yeah...woman you do know you're on a reality TV show, right? You don't get to be Mary J. Blige in this situation. 

Colton...erm, I mean Blake, (my bad I still keep getting some of them confused) is thinking about strategically dropping the L word. Cue my eye roll.

Lolol! Ok so Colton gets the first date and out of nowhere the guys start discussing this secret that comes out of nowhere that Colton is a virgin. I expected them to manufacture drama from a lot of things but this one is making me giggle. Like oh no, surely Becca can't fall for a virgin. The horror!!! They're over here acting like this man has a secret history in the mob or something.

Colton and Becca are on this date on a boat and of course they do the cheesy Titanic "I'm the king of the world" thing because why would they want me to make it through one of these episodes without getting extreme nausea?

Colton was just about to let Becca know he was part of the virgin mob, when out of nowhere a guy with a thick accent comes on their boat talking about "y'all need some conch." but like with his accent it sounding like he was telling Becca that she needs that male chicken in her life if you catch my drift...

Yooooo this man just told them to go diving for conch and to eat a special part of it that'll have a reaction that's similar to viagra. Literally wtf is happening right now?

This man is saying that he's a virgin because of playing sports. LOL! Um...last time I checked, athletes are the main ones that be sewing them oats. 


Corny Colton was scared that Becca wasn't going to give him a rose because of his whole lack of experience thing, but she hooked him up with a rose because of course she did. Rejecting this man for not having knocked boots yet would've been a bad look.

Colton came back and now all of the rest of the guys are uuuuupset! Especially, Blake. This man is starting to bug out.

So now Becca and Garret are having their date, where they take one of those small ass planes to a secluded island and like right here I would've already been eliminated from the show because I do not believe in small planes. 

Ugh! These two are making out on a tire swing. i can't believe I'm watching this sober. I'm so mad.

This episode seems more commercially than usual. It's probably because the producers realized that there's no reason for this episode to be 2 hours long.

So it was just revealed that Blake would be the last one to get a one on one date and I'm sitting here like, mmhhhmmm, I see you Becca. Out here giving dates to the three guys that I've been saying look alike. 

And of course Garret gets his rose. Let's move this sappy stuff along, please!

They finally have a scene where Corny Colton and Giddy Garret are sitting right next to each other and I'm really sitting here trying to figure out how they aren't brothers.

And now the Baha Men have made an appearance because we've apparently been transported to the year 2000. Blake is dancing very awkwardly but Becca seems to be into it. 

Blake is revealing to Becca that his mom cheated on his dad with his high school basketball coach and honestly I know this isn't supposed to be funny to me but it seems like a storyline straight out of a soap opera. Like I couldn't even imagine going to school and having people clowning me about how my mom and the coach are together.  That had to be rouuuuuugh.

Ok so the way the math works out now...since Blake came back with a Rose, the three remaining dudes have to all go on a 3-on-one date (still sounds dirty) with Becca and it essentially means that she's going to have to tell two of these lames to kick rocks. I hope it's dramatic and like people start crying with the ugly face and stuff cus all of this sappy crap is really not my bag.

Becca just let Hair (Leo) go home and we all knew that couldn't last. What woman wants a dude with better hair than her?

Ugh. So Wills and Jason are both having time with Becca and it's soooooo sappy that I can't even deal. this show was much more entertaining when there was a guy who dressed up in a chicken suit.

 And Becca decided that she likes Jason more than she likes Wills and she made my dawg Will plural cry. I will never forgive her for this! 

Ok so I guess next week she goes to meet everyone's families. I hope someone unearth's a family secret. I'm especially interested in meeting Blake's mom cus that basketball coach story had me intrigued. 



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