Curtis' Bachelorette Recap: Week 3

posted by Curtis - 

Ok here we go! I hope this week is at least dramatic in a funny way.


Ok right off the bat we already got chicken suit guy and model douche talking crap about each other. They both need to go!


The host just came in and told the guys that time is of the essence and all of the guys got collective “hungry like the wolf” type faces.


There’s suspicion that Colton might not actually be here for Becca because he previously dated Becca’s friend, Tia.



So for the next group date the guys are in charge of giving massages to Becca’s friends??? How in the hell does this make sense? Y’all I’m lost!




Colton just saw Tia and he is super shook!




Lmao! Becca just forgot one dude’s name so I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he’s not making much of an impression. He better be trying to get one of them Becca kisses that everyone was getting last week.


Ok Forgettable Jason is giving Colton a pep talk and I’m not sure why. Doesn’t he know this is a competition??? Why help the next dude out? 



And why is this spa room so damn small? They got them sitting all shoulder to shoulder and stuff. These chicks look cramped!


Lmao! My dawg, Colonel Cologne pulled a pimp move and got some one on one time with Becca. These other dudes are soooo heated.


Becca just told Forgettable Jason that she has a crush on him. You play your cards right dude, you might get a consolation kiss.


Oh she did it! She gave him the kiss! I honestly need to turn this into a drinking game. Maybe every time Becca hands out a kiss, I take a drink or maybe everytime I hear the word date? Hmmm...


Some of these guys have nail polish on for some reason (I think it’s related to the spa date) and I cannot take them seriously.


Omg the snitchery in this game??? Chicken guy just snitched on Model Douche about having over 4,000 Tinder matches. My dude said “I’m not one to throw someone under the bus” which is exactly the thing that someone who is about to throw someone under the bus says. Smh. The writers of this show need to get some nuance in their life.


Ooooo maybe I should drink every time Model Douche brings up the fact that he’s a model. I’d be pretty donezo by 20 minutes in the episode though.


Ok Model Douche and Chicken Suit need to hook up and get it over with cus all of this sexual tension bickering is getting exhausting. It’s clear they like each other.


Oh snap. My dawg Lispy Colton got himself a kiss even after being shady. Oooo shoot and he got himself an early rose. Model Douche is hella upset about this turn of events.


Lolol. It’s funny to me that Becca and Lispy Colton are in one room having a full make out sesh while the other guys are left awkwardly hearing them suck face in the other room.


Ok I have a question, why do they show a preview of what’s about to come up right before the commercial breaks? Like...they’re giving away all of the plot here. Ugh!


Lmao Becca and this dude Chris go on a date to Capital records? Ok...sure. Oh and of course Richard Marx just happens to be in the studio playing piano. I can’t! And am I expected to think that these 20-30 something’s even know who Richard Marx is? They need to stop.




Now they gotta write love songs. Boooorrrrrriiiiing!


Lmao. Chris had a little “moment” and then asked for a kiss and she gave it to him. Play on playa!


This love song challenge is really hurting me physically. I need a shot.


Chris just got an early rose for having a good sob story. And of course, with a rose you get a makeout sesh. Omg no they don’t have Richard Marx out here randomly singing “Right Here Waiting For You.”


This show has got me in a submission hold right now but I’m not gonna tap.


There was just an awkward cut from the super sappy dance scene to Chicken Guy being carried out of the house bleeding and on a stretcher. Why y’all got me looking at these boring people dance when there was violence happening?


Hold up so there wasn’t a fight??? Chicken Suit Guy is just clumsy and fell out of bed? I’m mad as hell! They had me out here believing that Model Douche fought this dude. Psssh! This show is wack!




Ok there’s a football group date happening right now and I’m going to be honest, it’s just all so ridiculous that I’m not even going to write about it.




Football Clay got injured. You mean to tell me that someone got injured doing a dumb football challenge? Whodda thought? So clearly the date makers on The Bachelorette aren’t the smartest people...


Oh snap. Football Clay might have to leave early because of that dumb game! 


Maaaan Clay is leaving and I’m mad cus this show is super fixed. They injured that man for the storyline! Which producers do I write about this? I’m outraged!!! 



Ok so I guess after all of that there's no elimination this episode? So do they just decide to not do an elimination sometimes? Whatever! I'm mad now. See y'all next week! Here's a preview for next week's episode. 


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